“ARE YOU READY TO GRIEVE?!”
Erika Kirk then immediately followed this statement up with an assortment of acrobatic demonstrations, including cartwheels, back flips, front flips, and barrel rolls, all whilst suspended from wires. Amidst the success of her ‘Make Heaven Crowded’ tour, Erika is expanding her outreach to a global audience. Tours will now be held in Canada, Mexico, Laos, Liechtenstein, Sri Lanka, Moldova, Belarus, and Bhutan.
Though it seems that outreach is not the only aspect of her tour that she is trying to expand on, as she had then revealed she will be changing the cast of this tour from being a one-woman operation to a roster-filled movement. She explained, “It is important that, in any process of deep emotionality, you keep the right company beside you”. Erika then revealed that her good friend Nicki Minaj would be walking alongside her on this journey, and expressed interest in enlisting other artists such as Chris Brown, Jelly Roll, and Johnny Cash.
“We’re keeping this crew All-American. It’s a shame that the NFL couldn’t do the same. When we think of true American artists, we’re talking Paul McCartney. We’re talking Coldplay. So none of that Bad Bunny everyone’s rattling on about.” We didn’t have the courage to correct her.
Additional investments funded by the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) have been put towards on-stage equipment. “I want the fire on stage to represent the fire in my heart. The fire that has inspired me not only to continue this tour, but to invest in it!” It seems as though Erika has also invested in an assortment of pyrotechnics, the likes of which have been unseen on most stages. The supplier (pictured below) suggests that the tour will “be a blast,” and rather than supplying Erika with the standard flame machines present at most conventions, they had instead sent her 13 metric tons worth of dynamite and comically large rockets.
After setting off 100 El Diablo rockets into the crowd, she winked at the cameras, saying, “I guess you could say this really was…our turning point.”
Despite backing from the government and a dedicated follower base, public outlook on these “renovations” to the tour has been heavily mixed, with some praising its extravagant nature and others viewing it as excessive.
“An outstanding display of American emotionality in a time of great political vulnerability,” says Vice-President Vance.
“Could probably do without the fireworks or the backflips. I went in with a black suit and a bouquet of flowers, and I left with a 100% polyester shirt and a bucket full of popcorn, which, mind you, both had the words ‘We are Charlie Kirk’ displayed on them,” says long-time Charlie Kirk fan.
“A beautiful, beautiful thing. Everyone’s telling me that it’s probably the most beautiful thing. And who else is more deserving of this beauty than my good friend…..my good friend uhhh……..what’s his name again?” says President Trump.
“A fire hazard waiting to happen and a complete and total disregard for human safety,” says just about every stage manager and technician in the states, as well as others from previously mentioned to-be-toured nations, such as Sri Lanka and Bhutan.
“Totally and completely necessary. Probably the best event there is!” says “George Donald Donaldson”, who was really just Vice-President Vance in a pair of fake glasses and a mustache and was promptly swatted away from the premises with a broomstick.
